To My Husband on Valentine’s Day,
Valentine’s Day brings up a lot of unresolved feelings for me. Yes, I know that we have been apart for a decent amount of time at this point. The fact that you didn’t live or stay here one day in 2015 can attest to that.
But the feelings? They never really left. Sure, the love I feel for you is tinged by disappointment, hurt, and sometimes hate. But it’s still there, just as strong as it has been since the beginning.
And those lingering feelings have allowed me to be hurt over and over again.
The hardest part for me? The reason that I can’t fully let go?
It’s the things you say to me when I am so close to moving on. To really letting go. To being okay with how things are.
It’s the fact that you cried just a few weeks ago when I told you I wanted a divorce and that I would pay for it. When I asked if you would sign the papers after telling me so many times that you wouldn’t. You said you thought you might have made the wrong choice when you left. That you wanted to focus on us right now and see where we could go.
Do you even have any idea what that does to me? It makes me second guess everything. It gives me hope. It encourages me to hold on instead of giving up.
But you never follow through. You break plans that you commit to. You blame me for your lies and inability to follow through. You claim you need more time.
Yet all of your actions contradict that. All of the bullshit with your “roommate”. You telling me you guys broke up and she moved out, yet you still publicly post Happy Valentine’s Day to her on Facebook for all the world to see. The dogs. The promises of movie nights and video games and cooked dinners that just never happen. The ignored messages. The lies.
You lie to me. All the time.
It’s like you just can’t help yourself.
And every time I start to let myself believe you, the lie comes out and I break all over again.
You have no idea how much it hurts me. Or maybe you do. Maybe it’s all part of your game.
I’m sick of crying because of you. I’m sick of hurting because of things that you did or said or didn’t do.
And the worst part of all of it is — you don’t care. I care so much, and you couldn’t care less. You pretend like you do when we are face to face, but the reality is that you don’t care about how you make me feel. You don’t really care about me at all. You show me that over and over again, yet I chose to believe the person that pretends when he’s in front of me instead of the one that is most honest when we aren’t face to face.
I need to let you go. I need to stop being such a fool for you. I need to finally stop loving you.
Today has reminded me of all that once again.
But the reality of it is, is that I do love you and I stupidly still want you in my life. I want us to be husband and wife in more than just name. I want the future that we were supposed to have. The one that I cling to when I want to give up.
Deep down, I know that we are never going to have that and I need to let that idea go.
Because I’m so tired. I’m so tired of living in limbo, of wishing for a life that is no longer possible, of hanging on to a person that I don’t even think exists anymore if he ever did in the first place.
Yet, in spite of all you have done, I love you still. But you knew that already.
So Happy Valentine’s Day to you my love.